Filed under: bad
So after I wake up next morning I’ll start reading those x number of pages from those two books until Wednesday. Then I’ll read another number of pages of some other book, and so on and so on… these tasks hold on forever. Feels like the only thing I’m doing nowadays is studying and surfing on the Internet. Shopping by myself has been the only fun thing to do that makes me feel less lonely, but it’s expensive and I still return home alone, with nothing else but my Internet and my studies. Is it this kind of life that people call “no life”? But how do you get a life? Is a life something that you earn by doing more “meaningful” things? Okay, I know I should just go get some interests. I really love drawing, but my brain is in coma so I can’t do anything. Besides, artistic equipment costs both my arms and legs. At least studying is for free (except for the costs for the books, another part of my body gone), and the Internet, too (I keep telling myself it is, but I pay my Internet bills along with the rent).
I think that I have gained weight again. I feel guilty for eating like a horse while not exercising at all. I just don’t know what sort of exercise I should have. Gothenburg is getting ice cold at night (cars everywhere during the day) so I can’t go out jogging (besides, father would instantly kungfu-kicking kill me if I go out late) and this building’s athletic room is always filled with beefy big students from 20 to 40 years old (all of them taller and bigger than me, in case you wonder). I can’t believe that the athletic room can be so popular. You can go there at four in the morning, it doesn’t matter, there will still be at least one or two guys (men?) there body building. Like they didn’t have enough muscles. Their arms are almost longer and bigger than my legs. Well, they won’t be long enough if I don’t start exercising!
Sometimes I just want to have someone to hold me. Someone that I can call for and he’ll come over and just hold me. But that someone is far away and I’m partly not even mentally prepared for him. I’m sure that another special Someone living among the clouds is looking at me, pointing and shaking His head, and keeps whispering in my ear to take good care of my heart. I don’t know why I still even think of searching the One and Only. I already left him and there’s no turning back. And why would he even try and go after me, after what I did to him? But I still have the One among the clouds. Please God, just hold on to me tightly forever.
