Hearts and bandages

In times like these I’m getting confused about how my feelings actually work. Yesterday I was banned from Tobsan’s channel #tobsan (big ego demands big idiocy), so from now on I have no connections with him whatsoever (he is banned from #musikspel.se and #grodan, the channels that we both are in, but come to think of it, I have set him on ignore, so even though we were on the same channels I couldn’t possibly read what he was saying anyways). I’m not even feeling sorry for him, or for myself, even though I have been talking so much about wanting to be friends with him. But looking at the state we are in now (me being all wind up with all my surroundings and him being all…stupid), we’ll never be friends. And I’m not even sad about that. Instead, I’m mighty grateful that we never got too deep in our relationship, since he isn’t ready for one yet. BUT! If he one day would knock on my door and say “sorry I was sleeping and now I’m awake, please be my friend”, I’d gladly say “yes, let’s be friends”. Although that isn’t worth to even imagine.

This is so strange. One month ago I was all sad and down, feeling that I have lost everything, and now I have found other things to fill up my life with. Of course, it still feels like I’ve lost something, but that something is definitely not him. I can talk openly with my mother about him. “Mum, we’re not a couple anymore, and I don’t think it’s such a big deal, so it’s okay and I’m fine.” Father isn’t annoying anymore. He listens to me as if everything I said was my last words to him before he dies. I like the attention, but not the thought behind it. What if he really died…? Is that what he wants, as he always does? To be the one who is right?

Last night I dreamt about something very…different. Really. I know that something has been going on in my head about this very special person, but I could never imagine that it would go that far. Okay, are you ready? I was having this perfect relationship with this person and everything was going on so perfectly, so one day we decided to go one step further… fill in the rest. The rest of my dream is all details about that special moment of I don’t know what… pleasure? Happiness? Perfection? That perfect someone and that perfect relationship that I’ve been wishing for forever? For an instance when I woke up, I wanted to sleep more and dream about him again. Right, isn’t that silly? Okay, this is just a dream, I know, but when I begin to wonder why I dream about such things I’m getting all confused and, well, confused. Why do I dream about such things? Why do I even dream about H I M? We’ll never possibly be able to have a relationship anyways, no matter how perfect it is going to be. But I wonder how perfect a relationship can be when one lives on the other side of the earth, while the other is stuck here in Sweden, and when he keeps himself from falling in love with me… I don’t know. Funny thing is that a week ago he had the same dream about me. But I’m sure that we’ll forget about each other and go our own ways.

Why do I seem so heartbroken when I’m not? And why do I miss him so much?