Hearts and bandages

My current problems are taking over my life.

• Friends
  I can’t properly tell people how I feel, so I never get really good friends. No, wrong, it’s difficult to even get to know new people, so I hardly ever get any friends. And I guess my problems with Tobias are in this category too, since I only want to see him as a friend nowadays, but since I’m not even able to do that, I don’t really know where this friendship is going…
• Family
  I love my family so much that I don’t want them to know my problems. When I told mother about the breakup, I lied about us being really great friends. So not true. Father might be dying, maybe I should call him later. My parents get so upset when they know my problems, and make them their own, which I want to prevent.
• School
  It’s not difficult, but it’s a lot to do. And the problem is that I don’t know why I’m doing it. I have nothing to gain by doing this. So why do I get up in the morning, and why do I even bother to do anything at all?
• Health
  I can’t eat. I want to, I really really want to, and I’m so hungry, but every time I put something in my mouth, I feel like I’m about to throw up. So I choose not to eat. But I’m not gaining or losing weight, which is weird. And I have these bruises all over my body.
• Economics
  People tell me to do something else to loosen up. I wish I could. But having no money at all makes the possibilities even smaller. Besides, what could I do if I really had money? Go abroad somewhere? Sounds like running away from reality. Reality will hunt you. All that I want to do right now is shopping. But that’s not possible either. Next set of money from CSN is for paying bills and paying back debts.
• Relations
  Knowing about his existence is like a double-edged sword. I don’t mean that I don’t want him to live, I really do, and I really care about him, but having all these painful memories, why can’t they go away?

Life itself is a double-edged sword. You’re always at risk to die just by living. I wonder what is the best, dying or living?