Filed under: bad
Happy birthday to me.
Sent an e-mail to Henry (11.30 AM):
Hi Henry,
I don’t know if I should do this, but I don’t have anyone to talk about this with.
You see, I just moved from my small hometown to get to this big city of Gothenburg. One reason was to go to school. Another one was, partly, to be with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for half a year, and everything was fine, but then suddenly he wanted to break up. Of course, I couldn’t force him to be with me, so I was sad for a while because he never actually explained why he broke up with me. But he kept telling me that he still wanted to be friends with me, which I accepted, but then after telling me that, again and again, he didn’t want to see me or hear from me.
About ten hours ago, he congratulated me. I was so happy, you know, because I really wanted him to care about me and I really wanted an intimate friendship with him. It’s my birthday and I have no other friend than him in this town. We’re both Christians so why not become brothers and sisters? Besides, we’ve been friends for three years, so it’s not worth throwing that away on this ex-boy-and girlfriend-thing. I’ve prayed for him every day since our separation (which was three weeks ago, and we haven’t seen each other or talked to each other for all this time because he didn’t want to). I really don’t want to lose him. But he becomes all irritated and angry whenever I talk with him and ask him how he is. It’s like he doesn’t want to know me anymore. That’s not friendship. So why did he keep talking about being friends, when he himself cannot even treat me as one?
Yes, in due time maybe we’ll be friends again, but how should I react after all this? I want to welcome him with open arms, but now I’m scared of him.
So yes, my 20th birthday is ruined. I’ve been so unhappy because of this, and since I have no friends here, I cannot do anything to think of something else than that. Is this a test from God? Then please give me a sign so I can make it through. It’s too painful. It’s even more painful to lose a friend than to lose a boyfriend. I’d rather go back to half a year ago when we still were friends and we actually talked to each other about things in life than being in this state now. The experiences with him in a relationship aren’t worth anything if it means that I’ll lose him as a friend. So I keep blaming myself for being so stupid, agreeing to having a relationship with him, and then letting him go like this and let myself feel so sad about it.
I know God will never abandon me. And I know I have to dedicate my life to Him. But in times of crisis, and in times when I fall deep, I forget about God and let myself drown in my sorrow. Please Henry, I am a weak person, so help me out from here and lead me back to God.
God bless you Henry,
Jenny
