Lycka till på resan o/! Jag kommer att sakna dig, hoppas att du kommer att sakna mig.
Puss och kram <3
Ett minne av dig:
Du är sötast <3!
Filed under: good
Today we went to our practical vocational job. A Secondary High School in Alingsås, called Alströmers. The students thought I was one of them. I’ll show them my real powers, my superiority. Then I’ll stand on them like Goliat mashing bugs. Hah!
Filed under: bad
Förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt förlåt!!
Jag är världens sämsta människa och du är världens bästa. Du är världens snällaste och jag är världens dummaste. Förlåt Emilia, förlåt mig. Jag har varit jättedum mot dig, jag har varit så fruktansvärt otacksam mot dig och jag förstod aldrig det för jag är så trög! Förlåt honey, jag är din slav i två veckor, två månader, hur länge du vill. Så snälla förlåt mig!!
Filed under: bad
My best friend deceived me. The last one on Earth that I entrusted with everything, has deceived me.
I have no one to trust. I’ll never trust a human being. They always fail me.
Filed under: bad
My current problems are taking over my life.
- Friends
I can’t properly tell people how I feel, so I never get really good friends. No, wrong, it’s difficult to even get to know new people, so I hardly ever get any friends. And I guess my problems with Tobias are in this category too, since I only want to see him as a friend nowadays, but since I’m not even able to do that, I don’t really know where this friendship is going… - Family
I love my family so much that I don’t want them to know my problems. When I told mother about the breakup, I lied about us being really great friends. So not true. Father might be dying, maybe I should call him later. My parents get so upset when they know my problems, and make them their own, which I want to prevent. - School
It’s not difficult, but it’s a lot to do. And the problem is that I don’t know why I’m doing it. I have nothing to gain by doing this. So why do I get up in the morning, and why do I even bother to do anything at all? - Health
I can’t eat. I want to, I really really want to, and I’m so hungry, but every time I put something in my mouth, I feel like I’m about to throw up. So I choose not to eat. But I’m not gaining or losing weight, which is weird. And I have these bruises all over my body. - Economics
People tell me to do something else to loosen up. I wish I could. But having no money at all makes the possibilities even smaller. Besides, what could I do if I really had money? Go abroad somewhere? Sounds like running away from reality. Reality will hunt you. All that I want to do right now is shopping. But that’s not possible either. Next set of money from CSN is for paying bills and paying back debts. - Relations
Knowing about his existence is like a double-edged sword. I don’t mean that I don’t want him to live, I really do, and I really care about him, but having all these painful memories, why can’t they go away?
Life itself is a double-edged sword. You’re always at risk to die just by living. I wonder what is the best, dying or living?
Filed under: bad
Filed under: bad
Happy birthday to me.
Sent an e-mail to Henry (11.30 AM):
Hi Henry,
I don’t know if I should do this, but I don’t have anyone to talk about this with.
You see, I just moved from my small hometown to get to this big city of Gothenburg. One reason was to go to school. Another one was, partly, to be with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for half a year, and everything was fine, but then suddenly he wanted to break up. Of course, I couldn’t force him to be with me, so I was sad for a while because he never actually explained why he broke up with me. But he kept telling me that he still wanted to be friends with me, which I accepted, but then after telling me that, again and again, he didn’t want to see me or hear from me.
About ten hours ago, he congratulated me. I was so happy, you know, because I really wanted him to care about me and I really wanted an intimate friendship with him. It’s my birthday and I have no other friend than him in this town. We’re both Christians so why not become brothers and sisters? Besides, we’ve been friends for three years, so it’s not worth throwing that away on this ex-boy-and girlfriend-thing. I’ve prayed for him every day since our separation (which was three weeks ago, and we haven’t seen each other or talked to each other for all this time because he didn’t want to). I really don’t want to lose him. But he becomes all irritated and angry whenever I talk with him and ask him how he is. It’s like he doesn’t want to know me anymore. That’s not friendship. So why did he keep talking about being friends, when he himself cannot even treat me as one?
Yes, in due time maybe we’ll be friends again, but how should I react after all this? I want to welcome him with open arms, but now I’m scared of him.
So yes, my 20th birthday is ruined. I’ve been so unhappy because of this, and since I have no friends here, I cannot do anything to think of something else than that. Is this a test from God? Then please give me a sign so I can make it through. It’s too painful. It’s even more painful to lose a friend than to lose a boyfriend. I’d rather go back to half a year ago when we still were friends and we actually talked to each other about things in life than being in this state now. The experiences with him in a relationship aren’t worth anything if it means that I’ll lose him as a friend. So I keep blaming myself for being so stupid, agreeing to having a relationship with him, and then letting him go like this and let myself feel so sad about it.
I know God will never abandon me. And I know I have to dedicate my life to Him. But in times of crisis, and in times when I fall deep, I forget about God and let myself drown in my sorrow. Please Henry, I am a weak person, so help me out from here and lead me back to God.
God bless you Henry,
Jenny
Filed under: good
Saint Seiya has saved me this weekend (he’s a real hero :D). I can’t sleep or eat out of irritation, but Saint Seiya actually manages to make me forget about the incident from this Friday. My friend and I watched it when we were little kids, and I’ve realized that I have no memories from it other than the main person being a Pegasus Saint. I used to think that he was handsome. This anime was made before Germany was reunited, so adding this Pegasus Saint’s age, he’s about 40ish now. So I guess the attraction of him decreased.
Tomorrow is church, and on monday the wars begin. Jenny vs Västtrafik. Jenny vs University of Gothenburg. Jenny vs money. Jenny vs … no, seeing, my friend’s (by the way, the same friend that I grew up with and watched Saint Seiya, Sailor Moon, My neighbour Totoro and many other animes) mother for a cup of tea. Tomorrow is also lunching with a new friend from church – Wanzi. She’s incredibly social and fun to talk with, and even though her Swedish isn’t perfect, she lets herself speak imperfectly so that she can become better by other people’s responses. I’ve never met a girl with that much confidence. I really admire her a lot.
16 days to age crisis.
Filed under: bad
I can’t sleep. Those bastards. Pains in the butt. Bitches and man whores. A whole bunch of trashes, no-brainers and racists. You are no more than useless pieces of poo-poo. Rats, worms, amoebae. I wish you burn in hell. You shall suffer from making me this angry. I’ll kick your butts next time I see you. Then I’ll make you lose your jobs.
17 days to age crisis.
